Dad Jokes

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

I used to hate facial hair.

Then it grew on me.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you know which came first.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me KitKat ads.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza.

But it's a little cheesy.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.

She whispered, “They're right behind you.”

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing. It just waved.

My dog used to chase people on a bike.

I had to take the bike away.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Why can't you trust an atom?

They make up everything.

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

My résumé says I'm good with deadlines.

This joke was due Tuesday.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two tired.

I have a joke about construction.

But I'm still working on it.

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.